Was the night before Christmas and all through my head
The kids were driving me nuts, I wish they were dead.
Running like a chicken with his head cut off
I had more shopping to do even with this cough
Little Tommy and Gina and Carol were screaming
My wife was nagging as I was day dreaming,
of summer at the beach all by myself.
Too bad their were no bullets for that gun on my shelf
I made sure the kids were all tucked in their beds
I used a big rock I struck on their heads.
Now I decided to take a short pause
As I waited for good ole Santa Clause
I wanted to tell him my kids were bad souls
I would even help the guy shovel the coal
I had scotch then three and even four
Just then I heard a knock at my door.
I open it up and what did I see
It was good old ST. Nick waiting for me.
He demanded his twenty for that was his price
Because my kids were the worst, yep they weren’t so nice.
My wife walked into the room to make herself a drink
Old St Nick gave her a wink
The stockings on the mantel were filled with the black
Coal for everyone filled all those sacks.
When he was finished he gave my wife a rose
As he placed his thumb on the side of his nose.
Up and away as he made such a clatter
That’s when I asked him what was the matter?
He just looked at my fireplace a fake that it was
So he took to the door without making a fuss
As he passed my wife he a feel he did steal
I yelled out “Hey bub that’s not a part of our deal.”
Just then an elf came walking over to me
He punched me in the stomach then kicked my knee.
As he left he yelled something out
On dasher on dancer, what was that all about?
His slay was flying high to some other children’s house
And some other wife perhaps he will get up her blouse.
I grabbed my old rifle and fired one, two, and three.
I missed him of course and he was angry.
He looked down and threw some presents at me
He threw so many that I couldn’t see.
Now it was morning and boy was it cold.
The kids were so happy and being so bold
They just knew all the presents were theirs,
as I rolled my eyes and headed up the stairs.
I thought for a moment and decided then and there.
Kids will be kids no matter how much they swear.
My wife and I smiled for the first in a while
As we kissed under the covers as I made her smile
The kids pounded on our door to show us all they got
I told them to go, get out of here you snots.
I looked at my wife and she looked at me
We let them inside for their gifts we did see
A television for Tommy and for Gina a CD
For Carol it was a camera even a toaster for me
It wasn’t a bad Christmas, I finally did see
Merry Christmas to all especially for my wife and my kids all three.
So I looked to the moon as bright as a beacon
No more need for me to be freakin
And as I watched I saw such a sight
It was old St. Nick, passing through the night
I thought and thought, how can I make this better
As I walked back into the house, I was soaked from sock to sweater
I looked at the kids and my wife fighting so
I would not change a thing we are family, you know?
I would not do a thing to make this right
It all ready is so to all a good night.